I have just finished reading,  In Sheep’s Clothing:Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People written by George K. Simon Jr.,Ph.D.

It was a very good read and quite educational. There are ten chapters, 148 pages, and a lot of good descriptions of what tactics manipulators use, and how to respond to them. Here are a few tidbits to whet your appetite.

From the chapter Recognizing the Tactics of Manipulation and Control:

• Minimization – This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with rationalization…the aggressor is attempting to assert that his behavior isn’t really as harmful or irresponsible as someone else may be claiming.It’s the aggressor’s attempt to make a molehill out of a mountain.

• Lying – This lying can be covert,subtle. There is also lying by omission, as well as by distortion. ” Manipulators will withhold a significant amount of truth from you or distort essential elements of the truth to keep you in the dark.

• Denial – This is when  the aggressor refuses to admit that they have done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. Who….Me?

• Rationalization – The excuse an aggressor makes for what they know is inappropriate behavior.

• Covert Intimidation – Intimidate their victims by making veiled threats.

• Guilt tripping – Manipulate their victims conscientiousness. Will also tell the conscientious person that ” they don’t care, they are too selfish, etc.

• Shaming – Subtle sarcasm, and putdowns- an attempt to increase fear and doubt.

• Playing the victim role – Interesting how the aggressor will switch roles to gain an advantage.

• Vilifying the victim – The aggressor uses this tactic to make it appear he  or she , is only responding against aggression.

There are quit a few more descriptions in this chapter – very good.!

From the chapter – Redefining the rules of engagement :

• Avoid fighting losing battles- victims often expend so much time and energy in fighting battles they cannot win, they become depressed.

• Put your energy where your power is – yourself – one can change some things in one’s  life.  Here are a few tips for doing that :

1. Accept no excuses – Don’t buy into the rationalizations.

” If someone’s behavior is wrong or harmful, the rationale they offer is totally irrelevant. The ends never justify the means. …Once you stop accepting excuses, you’ll be better able to confront inappropriate behavior directly and label it for what it is.

2.Judge actions, not intentions. Don’t try to figure out all the reasons why they are doing something hurtful. That becomes a quagmire of speculation.

3.Set personal limits.” Decide what kinds of behavior you will tolerate from another before taking counter-action or deciding to disengage. Second,you must decide what action you’re both willing  and able to take in order to take better care of yourself.”

OF course this is where it gets tricky for the one under attack. It takes courage to stop the conversation and set limits to what and how things are being said. Verbal abuse is never acceptable. My own opinion is that the first sentence that is false and abusive needs to be dealt with and not accepted.

4.Make direct requests. ” When asking for things, be clear about what you want. Use “I” statements. Avoid generalities. Be specific about what it is you dislike,expect, or want from the other person. Use phrases like: ” I want you to…” or ” I don’t want you to….anymore.”

5. Accept only direct responses. ” Once you have made a clear,direct request, insist on a clear direct answer. Whenever you don’t get one, ask again. Don’t do this in a hostile or threatening way, but respectfully assert the issue you raised is important and deserves to be forthrightly addressed.”

6.Stay focused in the here and now. ” Focus on the issues at hand. Your manipulator will probably try to throw you off track with diversionary and evasion tactics. Don’t let those tactics steer you away from the problem behavior you are trying to confront. You must make the effort to stay focused,regardless of the tactics thrown at you.” 

The author emphasizes this again. It is very important not to get sidetracked.

7. When confronting aggressive behavior,keep the weight of responsibility on the aggressor. “ Keep the focus on whatever they did to injure, no matter what tactics they might use to throw the ball back in your court. Don’t  accept their attempts to shift blame or responsibility. Keep asking what they will do to change their behavior. Ignore their rationalizations and don’t let them sidestep the issue.When someone is wrong the burden for change must be on them. This can be done without subtle shaming,hostility, or provocation on your part.”

There are quite a few more tips that the author gives - buy the book !!